The Brier Patch #9 How I Learned To Lighten Up

Susan Pertierra, of Pembroke Pines, Florida was chosen last week’s $25 winner with the correct answer to the question: Terry believed that with proper training any man could do what? Ans:  SATISFY A WOMAN.

How I Learned To Lighten Up.

One spring morning, Terry and I were about to tool up the California coast to Big Sur in Terry’s VW Camper, complete with bed and curtains. “Hurry up,” I urged her. She was watering her houseplants. I tapped my watch. “We were supposed to leave fifteen minutes ago.”

Needing to do something, I tramped outside to check the van’s tire pressure. Strode back into the house and found Terry in a bathing suit, studying her sexy figure in the mirror.

“Now what are you doing?” I said, pissed because my shirt got dirty from the spare tire.

“I can’t decide whether to bring my one or two-piece bathing suit,” she said, turning this way and that. “Do I look fat?”

“You look great. Besides, who cares?” I clawed through the laundry basket for a goddamn clean shirt. “Where we’re going you won’t need either one. Can we get the hell out of here already? We were supposed to be on the road a half hour—”

“Okay, grumpy. Let’s go.”

Bill Drives

I tossed her suitcase into the van and we took off. Checking the gas gauge, I saw that she had already filled up.

Thank God!

Soon we were on the 101 heading north.

It wasn’t long before she began rifling through the glove box.

“What are you looking for?” I asked.

“Don’t worry about it.”

I knew what she was up to when she pulled out matches.

Fine. I don’t care. I moved into the fast lane.

She lit her pipe and held it in front of my face.

I shook my head.

She waggled her hand.

“It’s too early.”

She took a puff.

A minute later, she offered it again. “Go ahead. It’ll get rid of that sour look on your face. Besides, you know you’ll like it.”

“I don’t get high in the daytime.”

“Oh, come on. Do it for me.”

I glanced at her. “Humph.”

She held it up to my face again. I hesitated, and then took it, though definitely against my better judgment.

Ten minutes later we climbed a long grade before rolling down into Thousand Oaks.

“Hey,” I chirped. “Check out the landscape. Awesome hills! And all that green.”

I rested my arms across the steering wheel and leaned forward. Took it all in. “Hard to imagine. Hundreds of oak trees and all over a hundred years old. Incredible!”

“There’s cows out there, too,” Terry said.

“God, you’re right. Awesome!”

I rolled down my window and sucked in a deep breath. “This is the stuff I love!”

Terry pointed to the road sign, REST STOP AHEAD, and purred, “I know something else you’d love right now.”

Yes siree. VW Campers … for more than just camping!

Next Week: Hot Tub Rules Strictly Enforced!

 

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