Federal Bureau of Investigation
J. Edgar Hoover Building
935 Pennsylvania Avenue, NW
Washington, D.C. 20535-0001
Special Agent Ashcroft

Mr. Michael Thomas, Esq
[email protected]

Dear Mr. Thomas,

I wish to inform you that we have in custody one Debbie Boldt-Baker,
aka Martha Stuartt, who is facing charges of mail fraud, treachery and
extortion.  You know her as Martha Stuartt, a resident of Beverly
Hills, California, a wealthy heiress and owner of a dog named Kuma.

MARTHA:

Hello my Sweetheart,

I haven’t heard from you for over two weeks and I fear I’ve lost you.

Oh, Michael, for you I’ve only wanted riches and happiness – for me,

I’ve always wanted more.  Not frequency, I am not talking about

frequency; although that would have been great, too.  I wanted more

intensity.  I wanted to be out there, outside myself, outside my skin.

I know I’m too shy to express my sexual needs (except over the phone to

people I don’t know) but I wanted more than rubber sheets and baby oil;

MARTHA:

Hello my Darling Sweetheart,

Please write to me – I need you now more than ever. I’ll explain.

One week after Kuma’s abduction and recovery Beverly Hills detectives

Joe Friday and Maxwell Smart came by the house and informed me that

they found the dog- napper dead in his sleazy Handcock Park apartment.

The ransom money was hidden under a loose floorboard in the basement.

Johny Dollar, a drifter and two bit hustler living always on the edge,

looking for the next big score,  was the culprit.

Hello My Butter-Ball Lover,

I am soooooo excited. Oh, but first – my computer has been broken for

the last week and I lost all my emails so if you’ve written (I hope, I

hope) please resend them so that I may read your wonderful words.

I’m excited because project XX was just completed yesterday with the

sale of our “black gold” picked up in Nigeria and we made 11,500,000

USD (less 6,425,000 expenses). Not a bad profit uh? So sorry you

weren’t able to participate my love. Tragically, two people were killed

MARTHA:

Hello Twinkle Toes,

We’ll meet beyond the sea and never again I’ll go sailing…but, I am

catching the red-eye tonight to Hong Kong to meet with Daffy Duck. He’s

called an urgent meeting and I had to get an emergency passport to make

the trip. Will return Sunday or Monday.

You’ve got to get the lead out my darl’in. Let’s get a move on. I’ve

put two wonderful money making ventures on the table and you respond

with silence. Please don’t free-load on me…you’ve got to earn your

MARTHA:

Hi my big boy,

It turns out that Daffy Duck did a daffy thing by hiring amateurs to do

the work of professionals. Last week he sent two men into Nigeria to

meet up with a man who was going to take them to the warlord Asair. It

seems the two guys went into the country without visas (with $20,000 of

MY money) because they were told they would not need them. The Nigerian

guy took the $20,000 cash and is demanding $20,000 more to pay off

MICHAEL:

Hello my darling Martha,

i haven’t heard back from you,whats going on?please let me know if you

are still intrested in the oil business so i know if i am to still keep

the boys on hold.

your darling Michael Thomas esq.

—————–

MARTHA:

Ooh Michael,

I’m soooooo disappointed my cheery cheeked dumpling. Daffy Duck said

that he hired two people to actually go to Algeria and meet up with a

guy who would take them to meet with Warlord Asair. He said he lost his

MARTHA:

My Sweetest of Hearts Sugar Plum,

You can’t imagine how happy I was to receive your wonderful sweet

words. I was worried that maybe you had fallen ill – or worse – found

another woman. Reading the word “darling” that you wrote made me weep

like Paul Hamm missing a vault because it tells me how much you still

care for me.

I immediately sent word of your fantastic proposal to Daffy Duck in

Hong Kong but I don’t know if we’re too late or not. He may have

Hello my Darling Sweetheart Michael,

I so miss the intimate chats we used to have. I hope you’ve just been

too busy to write because it would break my heart to not hear from you

again.

Well, we must talk business now. Daffy Duck in Hong Kong has lost his

patience with me (us) and laid down the law that if Kimbuwee doesn’t

come through by Friday morning (evening his time) he’s going with

another source to make a deal with Asair. I’m so sorry my peacock, I

Hell Michael, my Darling Twinkle Toes,

I’m soooooo excited about doing this oil deal with you my dear. I’ve

been busy as a one armed paper hanger working on bringing everything

together. Daffy Duck in Hong Kong is making great headway. He has been

talking to both American Shuttle Tankers and Navion AS Stravanger about

leasing a tanker. We’re looking for the biggest one we can get our mits

on…preferably one that will hold almost one million barrels (double

hull – of course). We will travel from Salvadord or even Rio de Janeiro